A General Feeling Of Indifference?

Today is Tuesday, I am back in the "not liking Tuesday" stage again. On the scale I go and I'm up 2.5 lbs from last week. I feel/have felt all day very bloated and my tummy feels all hard and sore. Boo :(

So officially tomorrow I will be 6months post op. A half of a year of this journey will have passed and at the moment I really just have a general feeling of indifference to this whole situation of being banded and my progress so far, that sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and happy for the 40.5 lbs so far but this journey has not been AT ALL what I expected. Perhaps I had misaligned expectations or unrealistic ones even. But as I sit here in quiet contemplation ... indifference is what I am feeling. I think if I didn't accept this feeling of indifference that it would be a lot worse. Because if I wasn't accepting the indifference feeling I would be accepting the feeling of disappointment, failing and overwheling anguish. So in order to keep those at bay, I have to go with the "whatever" feeling.

By my own goals and calculations I should have lost a minimum of 50lbs as of tomorrow and I am 10lbs under that goal. I know 10 lbs probably doesn't seem like a lot to be off but this is how my brain is interpretting those 10 lbs ... if I lose approx 1.5 lbs a week (which would be a steady loss that I would be okay with even though prefering it be 2lbs a week) it would take me almost 7 weeks (nearly 2 months) to make up that under achieved 10 lbs. So in order to make up 10 lbs plus lose another 50lbs in the next 26 weeks I would have to lose 2.3lbs a week EVERY week for the next 6 months for that to be possible. I know that won't be happening. And knowing that I won't be at my first laid out minigoal when I wanted to be, doesn't sit well.

I try to stay positive and think "well without this band I wouldn't have lost/kept off 40lbs" which is true. I will attest to that. Nor would I be consistently exercising every other day despite the fact that 90% of the time, I really honest to gosh don't want to. So again, another achievement on the band front. I do recognize these accomplishment's and good things and I do not take them for granted.

They say (well everyone says) do not compare your progress to someone else. I know that is because everyone is different, people make different choices and that will affect the general outcome but you know what.. I DO compare myself to other people and no matter how many times I am told not to (or tell myself not to) I do and probably still will. I read people's "tickers" (progress weight loss so far scales) on the forums and am happy for them when it shows that they have lost 45 lbs or 65 lbs or whatever since surgery except when I look at their surgery date and it was like March or April or something else that is at least 2-3 months behind my date and think wow you really aren't doing very well. And you know what - that's true. I know I'm not doing very well. I know that I could have done better up to this point and that I could still do better. Yet I can't seem to implement the action of "doing better".

So with that said, hello 6 month "bandiversary" I thank you for what you have done, and I curse you for what you (well I) could have done better but I look forward to the next 6 months of you wreaking havoc on my life.

I accept the general feeling of indifference because if I didn't, I don't think I could handle the emotions I would be having instead.