What's Holding YOU Back?

I have been trying to sort this out in my mind and process it for a couple weeks now and I'm still piecing it all together. What exactly is "it all"? Well, I am nearly 2 years post-op and I've only lost 90lbs. "ONLY?!" you say well yes I do realize that this is a fantastic achievement but I also realize that some people do this in the first 8 months. I will fully admit that most of this was done without exercise as I can say that I have probably really only exercise about 10-15% of my journey. It's not something I've learned to love yet but I only hope as the weight comes off and it gets easier it will also become easier to enjoy.

I still struggle with food and my choices every single day and I don't know why it is so hard to give up / change. When I first went in for my surgery and my Dr told me "no more pop (carbonation)" I said "okay" and I haven't had a sip of pop since that day. Yet do you think it's as easy to not eat chocolate or goodies? No of course not but why shouldn't it be. It's the same principal - Dr said it could damage my band and I say okay no problem (same with chewing gum, haven't chewed gum in almost 2 years now) but do you think I can avoid that chocolate bar or those chips occasionally? I FULLY realize that it is just as detrimental to my health. That when I went in for surgery my Dr said that if my life didn't change in the future I WOULD have type 2 adult diabetes which is scary and then to add to that scariness - it's in my genetics so I'm just that much more prone, yet I still fight the demon in my head to not have that chocolate or no I don't need those cheezies or to get fast food for dinner. I know I am doing a lot better with my choices but it is still a struggle.

So the exercise, what's holding me back besides general laziness? I'm not sure. Is it that I am AFRAID to be thin? Does that make any sense? I have never been thin, ever. Even as a kid I was fat. What happens to thin people? Am I afraid to leave the world I've always known behind even though I am already a couple toes into the door way? Is it because if I am thinner than I have no excuse not to be fit and therefor no excuse for not heading towards my one career goal of becoming a police officer? And if that is the case then why am I holding back - I know it's a career I am very interested in - is it because I've never really done anything or accomplished anything career wise in my life. That I would finally be setting my path for my future instead of just existing in jobs?

I can make excuses til the cows come home and try to think up of reasons of what's holding me back but is it one specific thing? Perhaps it is many things. I have lost 90 lbs to date which is fantastic and I am only 10 lbs to 100 lost (WOW!) and I'm over half way to my approximate goal weight.

Hmm... just hmmm.